Friday, December 31, 2010

Funny kid quotes

Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:


  • "'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'" -- Eddie, age 6
  • "'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'" -- Larry, age 8
  • "'I Am In Love With You Most of the Time, But Don't Bother Me When I'm With My Friends.'" -- Bob, age 9
  • "'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'" -- Arnold, age 10
  • "'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo On My Mind.'" -- Sharon, age 9
  • "'Hey, Baby, I Don't Like Girls, But I'm Willing To Forget You Are One!'" -- Will, age 7

Monday, December 20, 2010

Redneck hay baling fun

The magician and the parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the ship"

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Photo shop?

I was working in a photo store, which specializes in restoring old photographs, when a lady brought in a old picture of a man sitting behind a cow, milking it.


Her: Can you fix this picture for me?
Me: Sure. What would you like us to do?
Her: Can you move the cow?
Me: Move the cow?
Her: I want to know what my great-grandfather looked like. That’s him.


She pointed to the feet sticking out under the cow.


Me: I don’t think we can do that.
Her: Just move the cow over, and we’ll be able to see his face.
Me: I’m sorry. We don’t have the technology to do that.
Her: (getting huffy) Well, I guess I’ll just take this somewhere else.


Sunday, November 14, 2010

Old Bride And Groom

Old Bride And Groom


Funny story about two who found love in old age

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in. 

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Funny Headlines:

Slain Doctor Worried About His DeathIn a local paper in Canada.
Public Inquiry To Be Launched Into AvalancheA front page headline in the National Post.
Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two HospitalIn a local paper.
Ministry Probes Dead FishIn a local paper in Canada.
Nixon Beneath the SurfaceThe headline of an expose column about Richard Nixon, several days after his death.
Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 6A headline in a New Zealand paper.
Flawless Take-Off Marred By HitchA headline in a New Zealand paper.
Holy Mother Crushes Sacred InfantIn a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.
Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana UseA local newspaper of a suburb of Toronto, describing a committee set up by the board of education and the local municipality to investigate marijuana use among high school students.
Man Died of Natural CauseWirral News Group, October 25, 2000
Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns NastyIndependent, November 19, 2000
Rise of ‘Mutants’ Leaves France a Divided NationTimes, November 21, 2000
Pepsi To Increase Recycled Content In Products.The headline of an article in Plastics news about Pepsico increasing the amount of recycled plastic in their bottles.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Obituary

Too true

An Obituary printed in the London Times - interesting and sadly rather true. 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: 
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault. 


Common Sense 
lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 


Common Sense 
lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 


Common Sense 
lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. 

Common Sense 
took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. 

Common Sense 
finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. 

Common Sense 
was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; 
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim 


Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Doberman vs puppy

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Resumes: how NOT to write

I am very detail-oreinted.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

Served as assistant sore manager.

 Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.

Special skills: Thyping.

Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

I can play well with others.

I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing.

Special skills: I’ve got a Ph.D. in human feelings.

My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had.

I eat computers for lunch.

I have used lots of software appilcations.

Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.

Previous experience: Self-employed a fiasco.
I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis.

I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation.

Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.

I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food.

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate privately.

Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state.

My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend
I love dancing and throwing parties.

I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute.

I am a rabid typist.

Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine.

Special Skills: Speak English.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

Experience with: LBM-compatible computers.

Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward.

Typing Speed: 756 wpm.

Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws.

AND HOW TO WRITE:

Respect - bear - human

video

Life in 100 KB

Monday, October 18, 2010

Funeral

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.

She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Doctors’ Comments On Patient Charts:

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better.


The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
A Joke a Day Keeps the Doctor AwayA Laugh A Day: Jokes To Keep The Doctor AwayWARNING: VETERINARIAN pet doctor joke sign

Wrong parking?

Funny Magic Trick - Barry and Stuart

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Accident insurance claim forms

Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations.





Car Accidents:

  • "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
  • "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
  • "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
  • "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
  • "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
  • "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
  • "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
  • "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
  • "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
  • "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."
  • "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."
  • "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
  • "The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
  • "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
  • "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."
  • "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
  • "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
  • "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
  • "My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."
  • "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
  • "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
  • "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
  • "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
  • "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
  • "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
  • "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
  • "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
  • "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."
  • "A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."
  • "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."
  • "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
  • "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished." 
  •  

Saturday, September 18, 2010

WHY? This is so silly

This will keep you busy for a while, trying to outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction. . . . . . and there's nothing you can do about it! 


Thursday, September 16, 2010

Funny Story Haha

Funny Story Haha
There was a husband who had forgotten about his aniversary! His wife was irritated with him and waited a couple days before telling the husband that he had forgotten. The husband realizing what he had done started asking his wife to forgive him and asking how he could make it up to her! The wife, knowing that her husband had some money saved up, told him that when she wakes up in the morning she would be overjoyed to find something that could go from 0-300 in 4 seconds sitting in the driveway (this is crazy fast but remember she is stressed out and irritated so she spit this at him in anger). The husband was bewildered because their relationship had never been about gifts before, but he would get have to get it for her because he had messed up =/. The next morning the wife awoke and looked out the window. Outside was a small box sitting in the driveway, obviously too small for a car. The wife thought she had clearly implied that she wanted a car, but she went out to the driveway anyhow. She opened the box to find a weight scale!!! The husband managed to find something for her that she could use that would go from 0-300 in 4 seconds!
Health o Meter SAB998D-41 Dial Scale, White with Black Mat

Friday, September 3, 2010

Cats and dogs when they are making us smile


Once some years ago, I was really down.
I had major problems to deal with and was
 so terribly stressed.

One day I was invited to our friends and their son showed me the Movie Cats and Dogs. The blue one here to the right.

I laughed out loud many times! I love that movie and I bought it so I can enjoy it over and over again.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

MAD magazine 50 years

When I was just a teenager, the first MAD magazine came out in Sweden. I bought it and found that this was my kind of humor.
http://www.squidoo.com/mad-magazine

All these fantastic pictures, Don Martins drawings with the hanging toes, Spy and Spy who always tried "smart" ways to kill eachother but never succeded.


Now MAD Magazine is 50 years old, and to my surprice and JOY - I can buy all these magazines that are long gone on two DVD´s!!! They are printable and all is there for us fans.


http://www.squidoo.com/mad-magazine

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Good advices for a good life

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

Friday, August 20, 2010

What is butt dust??

What Is Butt Dust???


What, you ask, is ‘Butt dust’? Read on and you’ll discover the joy in
it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!


JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: ‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?’


MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, ‘If you don’t
remember you must look in the back of20your panties. Mine say five to
six.’


STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. ‘I love you so
much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom
window.’


BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s
me?’


SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please
don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I
cost?’


CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’


MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’


TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’


JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but
his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ Concerned, James asked:
’What happened to the flea?’


The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget .

This particular Sunday sermon...’Dear Lord,’ the minister began,
with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned
face. ‘Without you, we are but dust...’ He would have continued but at
that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to
me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl
voice, ‘Mom, what is butt dust?’

  

Thursday, August 19, 2010

WHY GOD MADE MUMS

WHY GOD MADE MUMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Mums like me.


What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn’t have her thinking cap on.


Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such an idiot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.


What’s the difference between Mums & Dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power ‘cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine..


What does your Mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your Mum perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I’d die it, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

The singing horses

Click on one horse at the time.
Then let all four sing to you!=)

When I feel I need to be cheered up, I go to this site. I smile for a while....

The cake and lies

THE WHITE LIE CAKE

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events: Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the centre had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!" This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of The cake.. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the
church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone & called her mom.

Alice was horrified. She was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back. The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa , but having already RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice’s horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!" Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the
hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

True laws


Laws

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to ??? .

& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Positive thinking!

Questions to answer - after really thinking

Your Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.


OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.



1. What do you put in a toaster?








Answer: "bread."

If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.


Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.




2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?








Answer: Cows drink water.
If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question.

Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.





3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks. What is a green house made from?






Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said "green bricks," Why are you still reading these?


If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.







4.. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided intoWest Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?







Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.

If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.






5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?





Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!