Thursday, November 18, 2010

Photo shop?

I was working in a photo store, which specializes in restoring old photographs, when a lady brought in a old picture of a man sitting behind a cow, milking it.

Her: Can you fix this picture for me?
Me: Sure. What would you like us to do?
Her: Can you move the cow?
Me: Move the cow?
Her: I want to know what my great-grandfather looked like. That’s him.

She pointed to the feet sticking out under the cow.

Me: I don’t think we can do that.
Her: Just move the cow over, and we’ll be able to see his face.
Me: I’m sorry. We don’t have the technology to do that.
Her: (getting huffy) Well, I guess I’ll just take this somewhere else.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Old Bride And Groom

Old Bride And Groom

Funny story about two who found love in old age

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in. 

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Funny Headlines:

Slain Doctor Worried About His DeathIn a local paper in Canada.
Public Inquiry To Be Launched Into AvalancheA front page headline in the National Post.
Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two HospitalIn a local paper.
Ministry Probes Dead FishIn a local paper in Canada.
Nixon Beneath the SurfaceThe headline of an expose column about Richard Nixon, several days after his death.
Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 6A headline in a New Zealand paper.
Flawless Take-Off Marred By HitchA headline in a New Zealand paper.
Holy Mother Crushes Sacred InfantIn a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.
Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana UseA local newspaper of a suburb of Toronto, describing a committee set up by the board of education and the local municipality to investigate marijuana use among high school students.
Man Died of Natural CauseWirral News Group, October 25, 2000
Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns NastyIndependent, November 19, 2000
Rise of ‘Mutants’ Leaves France a Divided NationTimes, November 21, 2000
Pepsi To Increase Recycled Content In Products.The headline of an article in Plastics news about Pepsico increasing the amount of recycled plastic in their bottles.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Too true

An Obituary printed in the London Times - interesting and sadly rather true. 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: 
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault. 

Common Sense 
lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 

Common Sense 
lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 

Common Sense 
lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. 

Common Sense 
took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. 

Common Sense 
finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. 

Common Sense 
was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; 
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Doberman vs puppy

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."