Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Resumes: how NOT to write

I am very detail-oreinted.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

Served as assistant sore manager.

 Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.

Special skills: Thyping.

Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

I can play well with others.

I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing.

Special skills: I’ve got a Ph.D. in human feelings.

My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had.

I eat computers for lunch.

I have used lots of software appilcations.

Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.

Previous experience: Self-employed a fiasco.
I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis.

I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation.

Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.

I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food.

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate privately.

Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state.

My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend
I love dancing and throwing parties.

I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute.

I am a rabid typist.

Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine.

Special Skills: Speak English.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

Experience with: LBM-compatible computers.

Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward.

Typing Speed: 756 wpm.

Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws.

AND HOW TO WRITE:

Respect - bear - human

video

Life in 100 KB

Monday, October 18, 2010

Funeral

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.

She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!