The magician and the parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the ship"

Funeral

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.

She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!

Funny Story Haha

Funny Story Haha

There was a husband who had forgotten about his aniversary! His wife was irritated with him and waited a couple days before telling the husband that he had forgotten. The husband realizing what he had done started asking his wife to forgive him and asking how he could make it up to her! The wife, knowing that her husband had some money saved up, told him that when she wakes up in the morning she would be overjoyed to find something that could go from 0-300 in 4 seconds sitting in the driveway (this is crazy fast but remember she is stressed out and irritated so she spit this at him in anger). The husband was bewildered because their relationship had never been about gifts before, but he would get have to get it for her because he had messed up =/. The next morning the wife awoke and looked out the window. Outside was a small box sitting in the driveway, obviously too small for a car. The wife thought she had clearly implied that she wanted a car, but she went out to the driveway anyhow. She opened the box to find a weight scale!!! The husband managed to find something for her that she could use that would go from 0-300 in 4 seconds!