Friday, November 11, 2011

Pronounce it slowly

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,


Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very, very slowly?
The employee leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiing.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

At the doctor

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came". 

Oldies

The Doctors story

"One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart,"

Monday, September 12, 2011

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained.
"If you had just taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50.  But with the Lab work and cat scan...." 


Thursday, June 30, 2011

Horns

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
  




Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Pronounce it slowly

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,

Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very, very slowly?
The employee leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiing.

Victor Borge - "Page-turner"

Sunday, May 29, 2011

The following are all answers written by children taking exams...

1. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

2. "H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water"

3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

4. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

6. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

7. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

8. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

9. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

10. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

11. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

12. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

13. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

14. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

15. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Red neck jokes

He who laughs last probably doesn’t understand the joke.
Slicker than a harpooned hippo on a banana tree.
If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!
If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
Don’t worry too much about it. Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag.
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.
If the Lord had meant us to fly, He would have given us aluminum skin.
If you lie to the computer, it will get you.
You couldn’t hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.
If you see an onion ring – answer it!
I’d rather jump barefoot off a 6-foot step ladder into a
5 gallon bucket full of porcupines than…

She’s wound up tighter than the girdle of a baptist minister’s
wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.

My sister is soooooo ugly, we had to tie a pork chop around her
neck to get the dogs to play her.

You may be a redneck if . . . you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
Her ass was so big, it looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking place.
It’s colder than a mother-in-law’s love.
She’s uglier than a bucket full of armpits. Bless her heart.
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Ain’t no point in beatin’ a dead horse…’course, can’t hurt none either.
I’d love to have a dress just like that, but I don’t go to many Puerto Rican proms.
He’s so stupid, he couldn’t find his ass with both hands.








Rednecks jokes are from this site

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Be careful when you compare prices

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them.' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price. 'On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Life size is in use

Library Anecdote:


  • Patron: "I am looking for a globe of the earth."
  • Librarian: "We have a table-top model over here."
  • Patron: "No, that's not good enough. Don't you have a life-size?"
  • Librarian: (pause) "Yes, but it's in use right now."

Sunday, March 6, 2011

If any of these describe you, you're a redneck!

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
Your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

  

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Hahaha

soooo true

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.

I like work.  It fascinates me.  I  sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Soup pot

A pilot was flying over the jungle when he started having engine trouble. Eventually the engine stopped and he realised that he would have to bail out before it lost too much height and crashed. So he put on his parachute and jumped out of the door. He pulled the rip cord, his parachute opened and he floated gently down towards a clearing in the jungle. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of a large cooking pot in which the chief of the cannibals was cooking lunch. The chief cried out in astonishment, "whats this flier doing in my soup?"



 

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
video