Good advices for a good life

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

What is butt dust??

What Is Butt Dust???

What, you ask, is ‘Butt dust’? Read on and you’ll discover the joy in

it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.

After a while he asked: ‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and

one for cold milk?’

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she

was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, ‘If you don’t

remember you must look in the back of20your panties. Mine say five to

six.’

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. ‘I love you so

much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom

window.’

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in

vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom

explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her.

Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s

me?’

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please

don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I

cost?’

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked

what was troubling him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with

this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and

kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his

dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather

wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then

asked, ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man

named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but

his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ Concerned, James asked:

’What happened to the flea?’

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget .

This particular Sunday sermon...’Dear Lord,’ the minister began,

with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned

face. ‘Without you, we are but dust...’ He would have continued but at

that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to

me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl

voice, ‘Mom, what is butt dust?’

  

WHY GOD MADE MUMS

WHY GOD MADE MUMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Mums like me.


What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn’t have her thinking cap on.


Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such an idiot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.


What’s the difference between Mums & Dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power ‘cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine..


What does your Mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your Mum perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I’d die it, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

The singing horses

Click on one horse at the time.
Then let all four sing to you!=)

When I feel I need to be cheered up, I go to this site. I smile for a while....

The singing horses

The cake and lies

THE WHITE LIE CAKE

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events: Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the centre had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!" This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of The cake.. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the

church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone & called her mom.

Alice was horrified. She was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back. The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa , but having already RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice’s horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!" Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the

hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

True laws

Laws

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to ??? .

& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Positive thinking!

Questions to answer - after really thinking

Your Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.


OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.



1. What do you put in a toaster?








Answer: "bread."

If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.


Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.




2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?








Answer: Cows drink water.
If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question.

Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.





3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks. What is a green house made from?






Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said "green bricks," Why are you still reading these?


If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.







4.. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided intoWest Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?







Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.

If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.






5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?





Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!